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Wed, Jul. 1st, 2015

rio_luna626: (summer fox kit)
I had the best birthday ever. Our trip to California was a blast! so much fun, new adventures every day. amazeball things happened: so much magick, and so much specifically deadheads in the Bay area magick. it's a special flavor, it used to be a constant in my life, so the energy of the weekend was joy with emotion, poignancy, that realization of getting older, of things changing, of the boundless energy of joy not being present or present in tbe same supply.

I am desperately clinging to the joy of the weekend, which was so finite and brief and fleeting, and the fact that there was a lot of tears and longing for what's passed in there. But there was also this. Aaron and I promised to let this go, put it in a box and move on and release it and I will, but I am still stung from the last events of the weekend that left a bad taste in both our mouths.

We know that Aaron and I do communicate very well sometimes, and sometimes we have a hard time working together, and sometimes when he's drunk he will purposely be obstructive, derailing, and uncooperative. Depending on the day and the stakes, this is a pain in the ass.

So we had several delightful days, altho there was the typical constant running commentary from him: 'slow down, hurry up, which way do I turn, hurry up and tell me, this is not right, etc etc.' There was catastrophism whenever things did not go right. We had some issues finding parking, but I discovered we were 2 blocks from light rail. little obstacles would pile up, he would make himself insane flying into the heart of the problem, I would gently suggest this or that, it woud turn out to be the right answer, we'd get back on track. Til the next thing.

and of course, when I asked what we should do or made suggestions I was ignored, or yelled at, or mocked, or rebuked. until I was proved right, when this would stop for a few hours, til the next catastrophe. this is just the normal noise in here any day so I filtered a lot of that out.

now sunday, 2 old friends come down to visit. since this has been a plan for weeks, and he knew about it, I'm pretty shocled to discover later that this is NOT what aaron wanted. well thanks for not letting me know. but here it gets more complex. yes I know aaron loves to raom the shows on his own. I do not know he is not overjoyed to see these friends since he said yeah invite them down.

I'm using proxy language here. someone brought me empanadas. I love empanadas and I get them far more rarely than I would like. These are a flavor of empanadas I've never tried and I WANT THIS EMPANADA. these empanadas have serving requirements that are a bit more involved than just slapping it on a plate. so a certain amount of set&setting has to happen. And so I eat the empanada and it is DELICIOUS and joyyyyyyyyy.......

now the day after an empanada one feels a bit raw emotionally, the filetrs are pulled off. And Aaron is acting very hostile and cold. over breakfast it turns out he is very angry about the way the evening before went especially the way the empanadas were served. We had had a plan about leaving for the show, he had snuck out and went alone, so it became anxious and weird for me. But this is also a long standing old pattern: every time I have eaten empanadas, the first serving of every flavor has been accompanied by my bf or hsuabnd getting very angry about me eating empanadas. often even though they themselves have eaten many empanadas, they get pissed or angry or accusatory when I go to have one. This was the last thing in the world I was expecting from aaron, and it literally felt like being punched in the gut. I was shaking for hours, and miserable, and saw with the typical post-empanada clarity that these things were arising because the energy is there: the places where I don't have real sovereignty, where the same old dynamics of (it seems to me) of being controlled or policed by a loved one or peer become even more pointed when empanadas come into the picture.

I am determined to learn from this, and not just surrender to the narrative, but seriously every fucking time I get a new empanada flavor, my boy objects, often violently. LOts of PTSD moments in here. after that I just felt hopeless and sad andit took a lot of work on both our parts to agree to put those last few hours in a box and then burn it and move forward. it makes me worry that unless our future vacations are just us then they will suck, but most likely there won't be more vacations going forward. This one was the first in 6 years or more.

it really is so sad that this unpleasant bullshit is what is dictating my mood now, because it so completely displaced the pure joy of the previous 2 days.

ps. I am totally having more of those empanadas. whatever bad associations he has now, I am going to get and enjoy them again, altho I will need to be very careful about set and setting because seriously, what bullshit.


rio_luna626: (Default)

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