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Wed, Oct. 19th, 2016

rio_luna626: (halloween kitten)
It is not easy to get a state approaching done in anything with the house. Time between one time critical thing and another grows shorter, and things start piling on top of each other. My current mantra is "does this deserve a spoon?" as a way of determining where to put my energy. My intuition is really strong right, usually signaling thru body sensation what's up and what's true. At the new moon I really asked for my receiving to tune up and bring more in, i can better filter out static. Similar themes and sayings keep popping up.

I am really grateful that there is a lot of ease and gentleness with things, things are in flow. But last week, when NO ONE showed up to Samhain planning, I was annoyed and began to wonder: is this a place where i need to put a spoon? Well i want the meetup and I want to celebrate Samhain, so after fuming for a few hours etc, I took Emily's advice and just planned the event for Sunday Oct 30, in the park we did Samhain last year. I am planning the ritual myself, and asking folks who want ritual roles to come earlier. I wrote this up to be convenient to me and what I want to do, and lo, several people have rsvp'd. Good practice in being flexible and accommodating the group's needs/behavior while staying true to what i want. The meetup is picking up momentum, there is no reason for me to stress over this. I then remembered that when Amanda and Steven had planning meetings, the only person who showed up was me.

So I found a level of engagement that feels good and appropriate, and not resentful. But i was seriously wondering whether Between the Veils was worth a spoon. I was also tweaked last week when i discovered that Meetup dues, 15 bucks per month, which i thought would be a monthly automatic payment, was actually a lump sum of 89 bucks which my credit card could ill afford. I've recouped about 20 bucks of that from the event donations, but it was BAD timing.

Burlesque is taking up some spoons, and making me worry because i have not rehearsed in weeks, because my evenings are rapidly becoming very passive and sedentary, even when i don't want them to. But i get spoons back and unlike paganism, people show up for it, present and ready to go. Forgive me if I'm down on the communite, but y'all know exactly what i mean. Burlesque OTOH is not like this, so yes it is a PUSH to get to Burlesque Basics on Friday nites, it is a PUSH to get to weekend workshops and shell out more money, not to mention costume, props, makeup, and i have not even started traveling but...

My intention was "get on stage in 2016". I worked on this all summer, and yes i got derailed. In time for Bon Vivant to open and me to get to class and workshop. laura, the director, also produces Saucy Burlesque, and on Friday she asked if i would like to be part of her Fresh Blood show in December. So now I have an actual HARD TARGET to aim at. And suddenly, the swampy, foggy "i don't know the next step" started to evaporate. Just in tiem for Vivienne to start another Starlet/Queen class series. I signed up for Queen (the advanced intensive where you develop a solo routine, and perform it at one of her many shows) last June, then again in August, only to have them be cancelled for lack of enrollment. Just as I am watching my credit card balances pile up, she has another one, for more than i can afford. But I'm doing it, because I just have to go the distance, I feel really compelled to finally scratch this itch. TWO performance in 2016, will have itch thoroughly scratched, and then I can say i did it, and can better judge if this is something i want to continue to invest in (i think it might be, but I'm withholding judgement til AFTER my ass is revealed to half of Denver).

Because I cannot put another chrge on my cards, I asked Vivienne to take cash the day of the show. Stings a bit but at least it's not another charge on the card.

my cards are full of ridiculous charges, WAY too many restaurants. Now i do pay for Lu;s counseling on the card, and also Cherise's afterschool care which is expensive, but happily, I have not had to send her this year. This may change soon, woith the arrival of cold weather. But there are also car repairs, hundreds of bucks, and my air fare to San Jose, and lots of treats and things i did for myself, since i was ut of cash, and the checking account was low, and I am kida sticker shocked at how fast and how high the debt is now. and how quickly i need to scramble to pay it off.

I am glad, therefore, that i was able to buy gas with cash. That i skipped the farmer's market on sunday, that i am glad there is no dance class this Friday. that at Between the Veils, there will be some cash for me to help cover the credit card bill. That there is enough food in the fridge, that i can put dinner together with ease. But i am dismayed about being so in debt, and how tight it feels. I remember not that long ago, my credit card debt was NOTHING, and how easy that felt. it's really on my heart today, so I am doing a lot of brahmari to ease the tension.

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