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dark spring

Fri, Apr. 10th, 2015 02:29 pm
rio_luna626: (cherry tree)
[personal profile] rio_luna626
last night it got dark and cloudy and very windy and then rain and lightning. been a while since we had a nice soaking rain. this morning it had frozen to this thin crust of ice on everything, but all the plants shook it off. it stayed cold mst of the day. and it was dark.

when Aries began I was asking lots of questions. Aries is about identity, who we are at our core. It is also about the action we want to take in the world. beginning at ostara, the energy really propels new projects into being. so I've been asking these questions and getting clues and answers.

many of these answers come to me in the morning, as I'm getting ready for work. this is not always the most convenient moment for deep process.

I asked about "how do I best fuel myself?" I got clues about my health, more sleep, less pot, more exercise. but I also got clues about addiction and that became tender.

I asked "where does all this fear come from?" I realized many of my assaults happened in the spring, so this may be why fear and anxiety seems to ratchet up. My mom died this month 2 years ago, so that pain is still there, and so much other pain is involved here. My long-standing abandonment issues, coupled with feeling pretty abandoned by my partner in rough moments. I had many chances to experience this fear, to feel all the old pTSD conditioning, and then...nothing, it was fine, I was safe, no one hurt me, no one was goignt o hurt me. I cried I was so relieved and scared and sad that even at age 50, when something goes wrong, my first thought is "how am I to blame, and what punishment awaits me for this?" So still unpacking that.

I got lots of little clues and messages. Everything is okay! This inquiry, yes it stings, but I am uncovering things that I am strong enough to cope with now. This week had a num,ber of challenging moments, and a lot of times I just had to keep working at whatever, even though I wanted to rest. I felt a lot of anxiety and sorrow, I felt a lot of old weighted memories.

And even with 3 consecutive days of migraines (WHY!!!!!), these memories didn't swamp the boat. they hurt, I got derailed a bit, but not completely distracted, not laid out under the weight of it all.

Also, the grief is finally lifting. Not all of it, but that weight of sadness and sorrow is not as sad, I have more energy, I can start feeling my way into planning and projects, I can move forward without feeling like I'm dragging the past behind me.
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