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Mischief Night

Sun, Nov. 2nd, 2014 02:44 am
rio_luna626: (halloween kitten)
Thursday was beautiful and warm. i was still very bummed abu=out the continued dysfunctional state of the dishwasher. i had a million things to do but i had 2 goals fr the day: all the groceries (the list was long) and Starhouse for samhain. luckily my friend Karen invited cherise over for the whole day so i was freed up. i got in the groceries and i did some dihes and i managed to get on the road for Boulder, rather late.

Kickoff was at 7pm and i was late because of this and that, and also cherise's new spate of separation anxiety which causes her to throw herself in front of me every time i leave the house. ugh. so i was pissed but i hit the road. i asked the car and Guidance to get me to the rite, but i had little hope i'd make it.

the chat in my head went like this:
Guidance:it'll be fine
me; i guess Pagan standard time and all
G: it's fine
me: (checking clock) maybe they'll cut me in, they never turn away late people
G; would you stop?
me: hmmm maybe i'll just get dinner in boulder
G: (bored) whatevs

And i am pulling into the parking area at 7:30, and i rush to the temple, to discover that the officiants were quite late in setting the space and everyone had to wait outside til just a few minutes before.

my moms was with me when i got ut of the car and she walked with me to the temple.

i had juts enouhg cash to cover the entrance. the work was beautiful and simple, we did nt have 20 minutes of quarter calls which yea, hooray for that. we each whispered our invitees in. there was a sacred geometry piece where we created a cube around this sacred Couch on the floor. we each took turns going into the center and spending a few minutes in deep contemplation, before oign the walking circuit around the sqaure. when i lay down i got lots of images, lots of touch and gifts and love from an ancestress. big treasures.

when i was leaving, i said good bye to J the priest, he's an old hippie guy, very knowledable in alchemy and a real sacreds craftsman. he said, wow, you had some characters around you. i was all, oh yeah--SPILL!! he said, when you went in the middle all this love just poured in after you, just followed you in.


it was awesome to be in the starhouse, and at nihgt. during the day it's so clear and full of light, so starlike, at night its warm and cosy and solar. i had made a decision to come to tarhouse more often after RJ stewart a few weeks, and i was making good on that. the walk back to the car was cool and beuatiful and still. it felt like samhain was well and trule kicked off, and i had really had meaningful contact with my peeps. not as muchas i'd like, but i felt them, i smelled my gradfather (i had to work to bring that sense memory back).

on the drive home, on that twisty mountain road, i found myself stopped in a traffic jam, so unusual, as someone was hauling off a rusted out schoolbus. i was lsitening to a great dead tape. i took a secnd to offer up thanks for the evening's work to the Ancestors and the land spirits. then i saw the license plate in front of me:


yes i am! i got home, had a snack and read email, staying uptil about midnight, just to see the October 31 pop up on my compuetr, and i went to bd, knowing i would not have migraines the next day ( and i did not).


Sun, Aug. 10th, 2014 06:26 pm
rio_luna626: (wheat field & storm)
finally the weekend I needed: rest, grounding into my life. errands were few, chores were plenty, but even all of this was incredibly soothing, grounding and okay.

we went out to an early breakfast, and then to go get Cherise's birthday gifts, which entailed a trip to Toys R Surreal, then over to the mechanic to pick up my car from yet another fucking 400 dollar repair. so hooray.

the 10-minute plan has been working pretty well, i got a bunch of ops completed or at least solid progress made. tis offset the fact that i am just really slow t everything these days, and i'm no mood to push myself too hard right now.

it's like i have not gotten back on my game, but every day i hit a bunch of goals: mornign sit happens, though it's pretty brief. i am not cooking really yet, but i'm making sure to eat pretty well. i'm almost ready for the kids to get home tomorrow. i got 3 projects done on friday at work. major jump on the Operation OMG. clarity on other things. big chunks of the back yard, because i have energy and also because it's no longer hot as a pizza oven out there, so yardwork is thinkable. i am getting back towards an evening sit.

i'm stil resisting paperwork, and lucky me, i was going thru some mail and i found a check my dad sent me, i remember it came the day my grama died, i left it on the counter in its envelope, unopened, til yesterday. so, hmmm, time to check back in. there are piles on my desk, again. but i caught the registration notice for the vw, otehr things. it feels like a relief, but i am stll avoiding the school paperwork, all of which is online.

but i am intent on doing my full moon observance tonite, no matter what.

recent adventures

Sun, Jun. 8th, 2014 08:28 am
rio_luna626: (summer fox kit)
it's much cooler than last JUne, thank Gawds. last year and the year before, the high country was aflame by early June. we've had lots of rain and hail and a few tornados, but over all, things have been wet and i am so grateful. we tok a long drive yesterday and everythign was so freaking green! green everywhere, and the Poudre River was incredibly high and fast. Wed evening we had pea size hail. thursday it was a longer much harder hail storm, with grape size hail. it's crazy because it's literally like someone dumping water on you, like the air has become a wall of ice and water, the temps drops down to 40 degrees or less in seconds. then the follwoing day starts nice and sunny, gets hot, and then the clouds come in and then, more dumping.

depeding on which neighborhood you are in. I remarked it ws rainy lately and aaron said, The monsoons have come, I guess. I said, it couldnt be they never come this early. He said, they never USED to come this early. so that's mildly disturbing, but hey, the high country is not in flames hooray!

friday was warm and i went to workout, which was good, and then i came home and i feel into online, ugh, and lost a bunch of time. but i headed out to DAM, sadly the entrance fee was 20 bucks, and i didnt have the cash, so i ha to put that on the card.

but the show was great. Art in denver is such a mixed bag, and strange. Frex, years ago i went to a matisse exhibit that was the BUZZ in town, and it was very minor work. I saw the retrospective as a kid, including the papercuts (20 foot high paper collages), i've seen matisse in nice at the National which was enormous. on the other hand, they got this winslow homer show, 10 fucking rooms of Winslow Homer of all fucking people, which blew my mind. they make art accessible to the kids and all paths lead to the gift shop. BUT, they do hav things i've never seen anywhere else, and thei western american collection is pretty comprehensive. So this show from some private gallery was super nice, but it was like I saw A van gogh, and A guaghin,and A Dali and A Kahlo (self portrait with the damn monkey) and A Pollack. But other surprises: Pissaros, a scary-ass DiChirico that I SWEAR hints at the Holocaust and Braques, legers, motherwells, Lichtenstein.

I need to get a membership, and i need to go see more art.

Then i took myself to lunch at Rooster and Moon, and my toes were complimented by street scene hipster guy in a nice, friendly, not creep-zone way, and I Still beat the rush hour home, FTW. I picked up cherise and spent some tme puttering in the kicthen, whcih was incredibly grounding and sweet.

saturday was another sunny morning. There is one main mission, and sveeral smaller ones ancillary to the main mission. we're off to J's wedding in fort Collins, where i have never been, and I am making her wedding bouquet. i had planned on doing it in ritual space on friday nite, but i ended up not doing friday night ritual, in favor of early bed. scne the bride wore peach, and they had a peacock theme, i got some orange roses and bound them in peach psillk ribbon and 3 peaock feathers. it was nice, felt really good to be doing that for J.

i somehow managed to have a fuckign productive day despite this huge looming thing. Long drives intimidate me, and i had a lot fo shit to do to gat out the door. I took advantage of the cool morning to finish the weeding out front. all i need is to get the girls to mulch the beds, and put some damn pansies in the void space around the mailbox, and Operation frontyard is done, praise allah. i cleaned the fridge, i folded laundry, and i made plans and remade plans, and even got some nap time before i saddled up.

the girls were very excited to go and decided to braid their hair, and the drive was fucking long. but i was clever in bringing warmer coming-home clothes. whenever i pcitured this wedding, it was alwasy a hot scorching day. yesterday was quite cool and more so on the drive home, which wasnt so bad.

Ft Collins is adorable! adorb college town, gorgeous campus. my gawd, the oval with its avenue of enormous elms, holy shit when was the last time i saw an ELM tree??? bride and bride's daughter came up in a carriage, it was quite beautiful, then over to a mciro bewery for a lovely dinner and toasts, one of which mydaughters compelled me to make, AFTER i had taken off my fabulous purple goddess gown, and had put on an old sweatshirt--thanks girls. But i still did it and i spoke from the heart, it was lovely. and we were hoem before 11 and the girls trooped to bed, cherise's face still painted like a panda bear from the night before. she very much loved the pageantry and glamor of the dresses and jewelry. she very mcuh takes after her gramma kaete in that regard.

today, i have such a long list and no desire to get on it. it's overcast and damp and really windy, not raining, but it looks like it could go there any minute. it's nice to have the day before me still.


Tue, Jun. 3rd, 2014 02:40 pm
rio_luna626: (Ochun!)
- i woke up this morning and despite being well rested i had no desire to go to work, and lo! cherise's sore throat and fever were worse. I went to work to finsih a couple things and then came home. it is a gorgeous sunny day, and the kids have been getting along fine so far, and cherise appears on the mend
-that 4 dollar bag of gray dust called 'shade-loving wildflower mix' not only filed the whole front border ery nicely, it all re-seeded itself and is back. since the yards are so neglected right now, every li bit helps and i really like the wildflower border, it's a nice pop of color against the brown house
-this means i can go work out in an hour
-this means i can get more rest today
-this means i can go to the river on the way home.
-ah the best laid plans--my dad's plans for coming out are in question, aaron still has no surgery date. i was so intent on Rally R but i'm letting it go. whatever happens around that is fine, i know i will get to rally when the moment is right. i'm glad i did not buy airfare
-breathing and feeling fine with the above. being at peace no matter how things change
-Foundation feels strong
-i asked for the connections to be shown to me, and they have been. the underlying structure is now part of my Foundation, and i have faith and trust in it. i asked to connct with my desire and i have, and what felt unattainable has shifted. i asked for deeper access to my magick and that is definetely present
-it is a gorgeous day!
-(there is no fire. knock wood. shhhh)
-yeah, despite challenges feeling pretty good
-an unexpected afternoon off doesnt suck. it causes another kind of stress but i want to receive this. i went the distance many weeks in a row, with kids sick and other stuff happening. i needed a lil break, and the Universe has gven it to me, while being well enough to enjoy and make use of it. yea!
rio_luna626: (cherry tree)
so. let's see.

my brother is coming home from the hospital tomorrow! such good news. he has made amamzing progress int eh past 2 weeks and is coming home earlier than expected. since we are on day 70 or 80, this is good news.

i went to work for a minute. some balls i dropped yesterday bounced just fine, so i was able to take a few items off the worry-list. that felt good, and gives me space for the weekend, because who knows what next week brings.

aaron's in the hospital--so much nicer than my brother's and the rooms hve ComFY chairs and even lil pullout beds. very nice-- and he has an obstruction in his descending colon, which could be scar tissue or a tumor, which is being surgically removed tomorrow morning. up to week in hospital after that, follwoed by a week or more at home. so wow. same hospital where i had my surgery.

other things that are happening:
-i'm feeling my strong Foundation even in this commotion and stress. it's there.
-i did however, get spun yetsterday by all the chaos and did not keep a good hold on Things. this gave me a deeper insight into the significance of my job, my role in keeping the ship afloat and on course. i keep runnign into my passivity and laid-back-ness as not-assets.
-i am manifesting all kinds of lil wonderful things. nothign huge, but ltely the Perfect Little Thing that I needed just turns up. getting kohls coupons the day before i have to take Lu shopping
-havi talks about the superpower of Wow that worked out perfectly without much input from me. This has been happening a lot. a situation that is small but puts a crimp in our style, gets evened out before i really have to epand brain power to untangle it. very gratfeul for this
-i have not been able to journal much or get any serious time to sit&think, but i'm building some of that time in today an this weekend, today's events.


Thu, Jan. 30th, 2014 11:55 am
rio_luna626: (winter river)
I'm not up for New Moon thoughts quite yet, and I'm still mulling over my Dedications for Imbolc, so we're still in process. still grinding out the cray-cray of the past month.

In Miami news, my brother is stable, but the transfer to UM is not happening. my dad and sister are exhausted, she sounded drunk last night she was so tired. I leave for Miami next Wednesday and return Sunday. I also managed to get the humane flight for the same price as the inhumane flight, so yea me. I could have saved 300 bucks by taking a red-eye but who is served by that? NO ONE.

this eases the pain of missing Pantheacon, somewhat. this is my 3rd flight to Miami since Xmas day, and my credit card balance is really high and there would be no way I could go. I've also been asked to go to COnvocation in Detroit the following week. I could hangout with Taylor and the other folks from Immanion Press, help man the table in the vendor hall, dig in to my new role as editor over there. I could also scope out the Con, since I'm thinking very seriously about going to more COns and gatherings and presenting more. There is financial assistance for me going as well, all I'd really have to do is pay for the con and the flight and my own retail-therapy, of course. Aaron admitted it would be the smart thing to do, to go. But going to Miami feels like the rioght call. My bosses are all very supportive of what ailing family means, but taking even more time away from home and work, and adding more debt to the card, that just doesn't feel smart. (even though I really really want to go to Convocation).

This weekend we have Imbolc, and lots of it. FRiday night, K and I are doing our thing, and I want a greater level of formality of practice, our last rituals were so rushed and unfocused. To this end, we sat down on the phone and planned the ritual out last week, and she is clearing her house out of her kids. So even though we're meeting after a workday, I think we have a good plan for the Sabbat. On Saturday I accepted an invite for circle north of town, new circle with a priestess I like. I am skipping the Druid Imbolc, which is the same day, because it's supposed to snow. Saturday has a lot of stuff in it, but I may even be able to take Cherise to kids' circle at Living Earth. And Sunday is a community Imbolc put on by the Dragonfest community and the new COG chapter folks. But I think it's a long shot for me. I have to get ready for the trip.
rio_luna626: (tree and moon)
It's Official--i am not attending Pcon in Feb. Insert sad face here.

There are a number of reasons for this, and I'm sure I'll be back in 2015. I hope to be able to go to other gatherings this year.

As I was looking at the Pcon program guide, I found some interesting offerings, including a Denver area Santero/hoodoo maven that I've wanted to meet for a few years now ( but not enough to schedule a reading. i'm not going to spend 30 bucks to hear "The orisas love you so much that you need to give me multiple thouands of dollars" Been there, doen that, got the elekes.)

But on Moday, we have our old friend, Dr INterrupty!! REmember her, who came to my lcture on the Black Madonna and kept raisin her hand to correct me? Well, she's doing her own lecture called "Say Hello to Santa Muerte/ Diga Hola a la Santa Muerte." I am sure she was prodded by my wretchedly bad performance, to pull her own thing together.

I told Aaron and he said, So are you going to fly in just to heckle her?

I am sorely tempted. I would sit at the very front and keep my hand in the air for 90 minutes, squealing "ooh ooh, mr. kotter!!"

I hope any of my peeps attend this thing, just to report what I know she'll start off with: "Let's hold questions til the end."
rio_luna626: (tree and moon)
i'm really trying to do my observance on the day in question if possible. I missed too many moons and even Lugh this summer, so i really wanted to re-commit to this practice. And as usual, once Lughnasadh comes, i feel very ritually. so i tidied up the altar from Lugh and got to work tuesday nite after the kids were in bed.

I played Loreena McKennit and moved the altar ito the living room, did the full Wiccan rite. i didnt really call in deity as bretahed into its presence: i saw and felt blazing sun, and bright waves of yellow grain. that felt real, so i didnt push to add words. Since I didnt really do much for Lughnasadh this year, I took out my Imbolc dedications and re-read them, saw where I had slacked and where I accomplished what i set out. I did manage to do lots of Well tending this year, and I have played and been curious and full of discovery. But I have not really done a few other things, so it made sense to recommit.

I made a wish for more play and fun, and also more stillness, and then i stood bathed in the moonlight, and then i went to bed. i'm having more vivid dreams lately, thaknks no doubt to taking 3mg of melatonin every night, but i'm not bringing concrete stuff back. I just sense that my whople life, even the parts i dont notice, is really nourishing me right now, and i am very grateful.

i saw the space in my cleared out by me leaving the coven, and the kind of unfinished space there becase without any closure the coven collapsed after i left. Space from letting go of so manty things this year. i dont feel in any hurry to fill that space up, i feel like i really do have plenty, i have all i need.

as to my harvest, i'm not sure what it is this year. i am very proud of getting my first feature in Witches & Pagans. I am plugging in more at work and my spiritual practice is strong. I have created the strong foundation i wnated. i know i can build on it, i just wnat to be clear about what that is. this time of reflection and silence is helping.

I pulled a Love card and it said: Love Under Will. beams.
rio_luna626: (summer fox kit)
5 days in miami revolved around getting the girls settled and trying to help my dad as much as possible. altho i got to see my eachfyre beloveds (surprise!!) and saw L very briefly, i stayed at home. leaving didnt feel right.

while there i had my perennial last-nite-in-miami meltdown and andelku told me various iterations of "please chillax, your brain is not being your friend" and it was true. miami always makes things feel more dire, and the whole energy is seeing recisely all the ways i must step up at the very moment when my insticnts and the advice of Those Who Know is cut slack and take care of yourself. just be. stop striivng.

which is harder than it looks! this morning i tried this practice, and it bothered me, how much ti bothered me to just be alone without checking in wth some part of my life and adding items to the ToDo list.

and despite the hot windy weathr at this moment, the morning was cool and dewy and damp for many hours before heating back up. i was so happy to be home. i came haome to a tidy house, a steak done the way i like it. i've had all of today to ease back into the house. Traveling day is lwasy disjointed for me , hard to relax t the end of it. we were delayed almost an hour in landing because of "adverse conditions on the ground." smoke haze and high winds i reckon.

K is urging me to go out tonight but i'm pretty set, even now, on staying home this evening, venturing no farther than the creek at twilight.

sending love to peeps at FSg this weekend. Festival season! it's alwasy exciting.
rio_luna626: (Maferefun Ochun!)
saturday being so rich and wonderful, i tottered back to the hotel to Get Ready for the evening, after a lovely drink with the gorgeous Kat Sanborn. She is a real role model for me, like many on this list that i have to restrain my fan-girl squee'ing. it was gorgeous outisde. i got home and took and Ochun bath, and tidied her shrine (which was left alone by the cleaning staff) and did my hair, painted my eyes. i fully immersed myself in the ancient ritual of adorning msyelf for the evening. i put on my purple dress and new golden rose. i was afrai i would be late, but theyw ere playign the grateful dead at the pizzeria and i knew i would be fine.

i wasplanning to go to the Morrigan ritual, but in the ned attended papa ghede's boneyard boogie, which had a second line and lots of hot music and it was the right choice. i dont have to purge everything at pcon, you know, i can just ahve some fun cierto?

leaving that behind i wandered with rubibees and greenwapiti towards the umbanda suite, finding none other than my girl from NC. omg. we played toegther in the mid 90s. fuck. she is now all Palo, consistent with a bunch of the old gang from Chapel Hill that is now all ATR and nothing else. great to conenct and tell silly stories. after this meeow712 and i wander home, talked only late into the night. again, so great to come home with somebody and not jst go from the mix into this empty space. we fed la Caridad before bed and this lil bit of doggerel came to me:

"We went out
and we had fun
and we were safe
and now we're home!


Again, ah!

and then i began to tweak about SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY! and the presnetation and began to wish i had rehearsed just once nmore but fuck, we're in it. i took my melatonin and had another good night of sleep with no dreams to remeber the follwng morning.

At one point during the day i passed the mirror in the Umbana suite and thought, i really do lolok better whne i'm here. is it cuz it's playtime, that i'm not woring my ass off, that i'm getting nothging but constant warm positive regard from my peers and none of them is whining or needs to be fed by me. aaron commented on hw pretty i was the night i got home. Sure, I've been in my power all weekend, surrounded by people who like me this way. altho i have been having plenty of "after the ecstacy, the laundry" momenst lately, but there's a bedrock of wow, i feel very aligned and synched up and just happy.
rio_luna626: (strobe star)
Y'all know i've recrntly gotten a bunch of new psycho-tools which i've been using to good effect. Things have been MCH better at home for all of us, aaron and i working together better. I've come to accept that I am the main contributor to the emotional temperature in the house, and no amount of denying this fact makes it change. So 've really really doing my best to remeber my tools and act from my best self rather than my most tired or fearful one. I was rectnly able to be honest about something i was hiding and feeling non-integrous about it all, and that created a whole lot of space and reconnection. evry positiev overall. And despite not journalign as muchas i wanted to recetnly, i did manage to set up a bunch of cosncious entry into Pcon, what I wanted from the con, things i needed to do for better self-care than last year(i had a migraine every single morning), setting up what i needed to have the best eperience possible.

then aaron got his car's engine lite come on, and he announces that i need to take him to the mechanic on friday morning. i explian that i need to leave for california tht morning, and was planning on dropping chrise at school and heading staright from there, plus the added stress of driving across town at rush hour, then back, with child, and making it to the airport was more stress than i needed. he seemed miffed about this and we talked and decided we would take it afer work thursday. this is actually easier. except we had to leave before i manged to feed the kids, who will oftent feed them, chose not to do that this nite. we get home and he has fed them in our absence, which is great but nt enough so both kids need more fod in an hour. It's 7:30 before I ca start the necessary laundry and last ll bits of gathering stuff for packing.

Keep in minf my whole family KNOWS i am ging to california the follwoing day.

In additon to my pcking, Lu needs to pack for 4 dyas at her dad's. She abandons this task very ten minutes to show me cute her shcool paprwork. Cherise WILL NOT got o bed. I start bedtome on time--aaron having retired to the basement for the evening--and cherise is still awake 2 hours later, whining and crying abnd begging me not to go to california.

I end up packing in the morning of course.

Then it's time to take cherise to school--I am ready, I have everything i need, i am good to go, yea me. And i cant find my car keys. i alwasy know where my car keys are. And they are NOWHERE. i run to Elegua and I say whatever you'r etryng to say, i think i get it. please help. this is not funny.

after ten minutes of this, i fnally ask aaron who knows precisely whgere they are and off wer go and i get to the airport on time. i feel lie elegua is sendng me a message, and i egt it ( ithink).

What worked here: asking for help, making plans, builidng in extra prep and departure time

Next time: P'con time is now going to run THURS to Tues. I should have no to aaron's request. Reason for the engine light? He left the gascap too loose when he got gas. I feel kinda squandered by that.

flail notes

Tue, Jul. 31st, 2012 10:16 am
rio_luna626: (Default)
Intention: wherever its needed most
Worked on: Level One. I'm determined to memorize the whole shebang before i start in on Level two. That meant: Horizontal Arms & Legs (almost by heart), links, transquarters, Vertical arms. The whole of Level one would probably take me almost 15 to run, and while I have gotten some sequences down by ehart, some are still elusive.

What came up: hey, i'm getting pretty smooth at Level one horizontal arms & legs. Almost got this. I did that whole sequence to the Breeders' "One Divine Hammer" whch was the tits! so much fun. Cherise danced with me.

Then I did ten minutes of yoga stretching and some pilates before my shavasana. Needs to eb the other way--the hatha and pilates first, then flailing.

This was my first real session of Shiva Nata in 3 weeks. The epiphanies are not always welcome. I'm back to working on Level one because i just want the moves in my body memory fully before moving onto Level Two (since moving up a level will often destroy all memory and mastery of the prewvious level). Not that the epiphanies havent been coming:

-when i get high, it's like packing a delicate instrument in bubblewrap. it doens hurt the instrument, but it sure cant operate full being all packed up like that. getting high should be an end of the day thing, exclsuively. and i know it and i resist every day this simple and self-evident truth.
-i have a large scar from the surgery. it is the same incision as both c-sections and an ovarian cyst removal when i was 20. of course it's gotten larger and deeper each time. i revcently got the hit that the scar served a purpose of keeping me out of the sex industry. i was still very young when the scar made certain sex-industry venues not an option for me, even if i did end up wanting to pusue them later. it's consistent with many things Ochun and the orisas set in motion to keep me safe.
-i keep joking about it, but it is actyually true: i need to spend some time in retreat, alone in the woods, or close to it. strolling thru thegreen belt is a good start but not nearly enough. i lst my cool so very very bad on saturday nite, because i am stressed and i feel pushed and disrespected and i need to make this a priority.
-it's great to go to class, but every time i make the time and clear the space to do yoga at home, that's not doing yoga, that's living yoga. and that is really what i want: not just to do yoga but to live a yogic life, to live yogically. By which I mean: engaged, clear, sober, gentle, joyful, radiant and healthy. (this is when I started journaling on my big new project, Operation Natasha).

next time: Level one horizontal squares, links, transquarters by memory, vertical arms and legs, following an active workout, not preceding it.
rio_luna626: (Default)
Last month was Hispanic Heritage Month and Lucie comes to me with her school project: a brief report about noted Hispanic luminary, Rosie Perez. um, yes. Got nothing against Rosie, loved her shitty profane attitude in Do the Right Thing. And I guess until we have Hispanic Supreme Court Justices, Nobel Laureates or even local Denver News Anchors (the ridiculously tiny Anne Trujillo), I guess Cachita will have to do. rolls eyes. whatever.

But when Lu said, "I have to find a Hispanic person to interview, do you know any, Mommy?", I really had a hard HAVING TO REMIND my child that: Everyone on my side of the family is Hispanic, you're Hispanic, your grandparents, your aunts, you uncle...we're all CUBAN!!"

Lucie: We are? (truly freaking bewildered)

In any case, did you know that Rosie Perez is a Virgo and donates her time to children with HIV? yeah, that's cool. dale la gasolina, mija!

Two weeks later, Lu receives a Very Official Invitation to join a club for the hispanic students to get togethr and learn about hispanic culture, go on field trips, see films about the contributions of hispanic leaders and artists, etc. Club Compadres Magnificos. no shit. They meet once a month, it's free, no heavy lifting on my part and I thought oh cool! this will be great for Lu.

now i'm not stupid. I know perfectly well ese bendito Club is to help the ESL kids get over the crippling physical and intellectual diasbility called Being Mexican in Denver.

Ebing Cuban-American, if there's one thing i just don't understand, it;s a Hispanic UNDERclass. What? Are you kidding me? In a decade the Cuban expats re-created Miami, turning it from a podunk backwater into a world finanical and cultural capital, the de facto capital of ALL of Latin America. Without asking "Mother may I?" hte cubans moved in from ANOTHER COUNTRY and turned Miami into what they wanted and needed.

So I'm lwasy dismayed by the subtle and not so subtle racism that is not only prevalent in this town, but is internalized by the "Mexicans" themselves. Who were here long before the map lines were redrawn. This was "Mexico"! Aztlan is NOT Narnia! Fucking A, it was probably Albuquerque! so letting a bunch of anglophone red necks push you around? make you look down at your feet? what?

and i am also dismayed to see how quickly a generation loses the Spanish. My friedn Johnny, the Aztec Love God, looks like a carving on a stele. His mom cant even speak Spanish anymore. He knows enough Spanish to find a bathroom, beer and drugs. Ah! deracination! You know you're soaking in it!

So then I proposed the club to Lu and she turned me down flat. she was kinda like "wahtever, i dont care". and i got really kind pissy about that. and i sat with it. maybe she doesn;t think it speaks to her experience, and it probably doesn;t. even in Miami we spoke mostlt english, and i certainly dont go prancing about in a huipil. i think all of it is that she is maxed out, and it seemed like one more thing, one more bit of labor, that she had to do. and she didn;t want to take on another thing.

i was really torn abotu whtehr i should press the issue, make her go to one or two meetings, then lettign her quit if she still wanted to. but tired as she is lately, stressed on stuff, I decided to let this go. no need to manufacture an issue.

but i'm sitting with it. it's not entirely comfortable.

(it remind sme of when the Hardluck's lil girl started goign to some Baptist kid thing on wednesday night. Hard for them because the Hardlucks were very into being More Wiccan Than Thou, so lil Belladonna's defection made them kinda sad. But when her mom put a brave face on to say "I'm glad you are enjoying learning about Jesus with your new friends", her kid looked at her like she was stupid and said "Mo-mmy! I only go becaise they have friend chicken and ice cream" A child on food stamps will always vote with her stomach.)


Sat, Nov. 5th, 2011 03:30 pm
rio_luna626: (Default)
this is the first day that looks like it. even though it is so very gray and supoerwindy out there, the wind is not very sharp.

lazy day. I'm doing stuff, I'm just taking my tiem about it.

did some writing, and aome laundry. and ran to get waxed. and did some ironing, an played with cherise.

it's so nice to have a say where i dont have to go anywhere. i was thinking about going to the Druid samhian but truly, the bast pace to be is right here. yum.
rio_luna626: (Default)
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It is a truth universally acknowledged that any single man in possession of a good fortune, must also be in want of a wife.

Por supuesto!
rio_luna626: (Default)
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"Think you can get that whole cactus in yer mouth?"

Yes. I did.


Mon, Feb. 7th, 2011 06:29 pm
rio_luna626: (Default)
tgere were aspecvts of today that sucked goats. these were both monday specific suckings and some leftovers from the weekend. there are spome things on my heart that hurt, but i know it's a self-inflicted wound and i don't have to give it houseroom.

But some things have been cool:
-slight thaw. at least today wasn't beastly and the driveway melted a bit. i really have to shovel before driving, no matter what.
-lu's brithday party shaping up to be really quite fun
-since dedicating to my Sovreignty, i've been tested a few times. lots of things have manifested to help support me in this, including a bunch of things at Pantheacon, most especially a Lilith ritual. I am ALL OVER that!
-in a very backwards way, a kinda reactive, not empowered way, I have discovred a bunch of things that I have stopped or avoided doing, because i thought there was no space for them in my life. understanding that what works best for the kids and aaron is not always going to include what;s best for me. As Ochun says, Honey, you got to bring your own beautiful. AM coming closrr to new ways of bringing the beautiful
-astonishment that doors that i assumed were locked forever are...NOT
-delight in knowing, i can explore and experience more than i thought. wide open vistas in my head. cool.

for sure this year is going to include: more writing, more art, more DANCE, more beauty, and more pleasure.
rio_luna626: (Default)
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I'm a Serpent, a Green Wood serpent to be exact.

Intelligent, elegant and beautiful--yes I am.

letting go

Mon, Dec. 13th, 2010 06:44 pm
rio_luna626: (Default)
i let go of a bunch of stuff today.

I quit my stupid lil job that cost me money. I had to tell my boss, I can't afford to come into work anymore. I feel conflicted but I realize I'm letting go of selling myself short.

i threw out my old slippers and a bunch of trash.

Lately, I have given up lots of angst re:parenting. I am much more patient with both of them. much less yelling. this is a relief for all of us. i'm letting go of whatever it is keeps me in such a state of exhausted misery.

My girl Diana had a hard weekend. On Saturday she sat with her cat while he died. On Monday, an emergency vet trip ended in an unexpected putting another kitty to sleep. jesus.

my mom stayed over niye in the hospital, due to some chest pains. she swears she's fine.

chores happened. aaron is working late, poor guy.

the weather was warm and mild, not tropical, but nice.
rio_luna626: (winter river)
as is often the case with me, i can stumble around in total darkness and pain and confusion for so long, and then when the light hits, everything gets lit up.

The confusion can be really bad. when it hits, i have a really hard time making any decision, not just about life path and vocation stuff, but everything from "what do you want for dinner?" to "what's the best way to get to the grocery store?" It was worse in Miami, but i still go thru it here and now. (evidently this is part of the whole PTSD constellation of delightful brain fucking)

But having struggled with many decisions and the pressure of a spouse who is miserable at work and overwhlemed by too mnay pressures and not enough of the right kind of support, this week something just snapped. The upsht of that snapping was I cried a bunch and got on the phone:

I will be starting trauma therapy soon, most likely thru the Love and TRauma Center in Denver.

I also decided to get back into massage therapy. A quick survey shows that every single Massage Envy and elements day spa in 20 miles is hiring therapists. After many many years, I am ready to get back on that horse and reconnect with this silly idea that I am a "healer."

This generated enough positive energy that I decided to return to my incomplete application to Metro State as an english adjunct.

Now Metro has been hiring English comp adjuncts since 2008. I kept starting and abandoning my application (when i drop a ball, honey, I DROP it like a hot rock. this is one thing i do not like about myself: my tendency to fold when confronted with even tiny obstacles). for whatever reason, I just blew it off despite any number of good fucking reasons to continue.

So today I started taking apart that resistance and tackling those obstacles. This is really embarassing but what has stopped me cold has been getting my FIU transcript. I tried to get it but was stopped because the website said "Please enable cookies", which evidently I read as "lay down and do no more." Not wanting to get Aaron to help me--I know, i make no sense here--I just abandoned this provcess completely.

Today I tried again--I cannot move forward in my Metro application without my FIU transcript, since it proves that, you know, I have a MAsters degree and am therefore qualified to teach college freshlings. I need my old ID number, long forgotten and no i don't have it written down anywhere. Trying to get it, the "Enable Cookies" message comes up. UGH! Fists of Pain. So i just decided to enter "enable cookies" into my browser and it gave me the steps, whch I performed and IT WORKED. In 5 seconds. And I'm all "I've been paralyzed for pver a year on this application, and that's all it took?" I'd be more down on myself about the lack of follow-thru, but I am pretty proud I managed this.

SO I can now re-apply to Metro, with my FIU transcript and more current references. I am more than a little embarassed, but then again, I am also so happy that things are moving. And yesterday and today, the movements are huge and sweeping, more dramatic after months of panicked paralysis.

So for today: ngetting the transcript, then completing Metro application.

Getting back into massage will take somejumping thru hoops. I called around, talked to Colorado DORA about what I need to do. The first step is I must take a certification exam. Well, as you knwo it's been almost 15 years since I graduated from Carolina Massage School (now defunct), so I ordered the test handbook, and I've got a call in to the friend I gave all my massage texts to. I will get started studying and take the exam soon, then I will be able to apply for a massage therapy license (I also need a background check and insurance, always lots of little steps). And then gainful employment should follow.

Lots of motion in 2 days, and I'm pretty proud of all of it.