Motherfucker

It did in fact rain, and in some parts of town it Pouring Ass Rained. It starting coming down while I was at work and I stood in for a minute because it felt so good.

I think perhaps the rains have started, for real. I certainly smelled it the past few days. And in the deluge every moldy, stinky, desiccated thing in the neighborhood is getting LOUD. But oh heavens, an overcast day and more rain the forecast is pretty great.

Mama and 2 bambis sheltered in the backyard at night and this morning they were out there. The wind had knocked over the pumpkin netting and I went out to fix it and had to get fairly close to Mama. Pumpkins are plugging along, as is my cilantro. I don’t regret not making more of a container garden, it was just so hot, and I’ve been spread so thin this summer.

Today I have the day off and I’m trying to catch up with a bunch of neglected chores etc. I kinda just wanna play hooky. But I guess next week’s jaunt to MtPrinceton and environs will scratch that itch.

Loving today’s relaxed pace but now I’m hungry !

It rained all day yesterday and by evening it was a full on downpour. It was chilly but smelled good.

Grey morning, grey day. Picked up Lu at union station in Denver and worked it out so I picked her up on the street, didn’t have to park or go searching for her. Quick Lunch at ShakeShack then a fast drive back home because K’s car is giving her trouble and I spent two hours helping her with stuff before depositing her and kid back at hotel. Tomorrow I work and she will borrow the Subaru to start moving her things to the new apartment. What a frustrating couple of weeks—months actually—for her.

I’m glad to have Lucie home. She likes her room but tacked a tapestry over the big wi die—no curtains— and is unpacking boxes. Somehow the same item that she moved twice already, she got a better look at. It’s a very nice Japanese yukata ( summer light weight kimono) with a red Obi sash. After all these years she finally got a good look at it and decided she didn’t want it. It’s beautiful, high quality textiles. I don’t have the heart to just send it to the thrift so we are both looking for someone who will love it.

It finally looks like November: gloomy, grey skies, flat white light, the sere dun landscape. It feels cozy and real. Glad to be home with Lucie. Looking forward to Cherise being gone soon!

Although the job search continues, I no longer feel desperate about it. I had a lot of good hopeful thoughts about the rest of the fall and into winter, about my Work and my business, about the new household. Very grateful for what’s coming.

I made black salt! And attended MtShasta new moon which meant watching the sun come up over the Egyptian desert. We celebrated a lot of dark, hard, disruptive chaos that had put us in difficult straits: if I had failed to push my case, failed to try and recover who I was from the grief of widowhood, the nonsense and threat of my ex, all kinds of attending traps and failures, the outcomes for myself and the girls would have been soooo bad. As hard as this year has been, I manifested a bunch of positive outcomes, and I’m proud of myself.

Things I like today:
-the way my yard smells
-sobriety
-the gloom!!!!
-ShakeShack!
-downtown Denver
-finding new museums
-my house
-tranquility, coziness, clean socks and earl grey suntea.

Today started early and included a lovely breakfast and then a lovely long conversation with beloved friend of many decades.

And then I took a lovely drive up hiway 83 in the beautiful weather up to my coven sister’s house to pick up shelves!! I am delighted to get shelving and it was great to see M and hang out in her adorable apartment with her beautiful Malinois, after which I got gas and then a spot of lunch.

Had to run to Ks for a bit, had a long chat with Jhada on the way. Reached out to traveling burly pal and I’ll be taking him to the airport tomorrow so I do get to see him, even if the circumstances are not “ecstatic “. There’s only so ecstatic one can be on a Monday night at Denver airport

In the meantime, the weather was great, the scenery beautiful, I listened to podcasts and it was lovely.

And somehow I have felt very much “not myself “ most of this week. Not getting a cold, just feeling slightly alienated? Lonely? Skingbhunger finally catching up? Similar things. Typical Sunday night melancholia. It’s a parfait of moon in Cancer

I would love a bath.

Weighing on my mind is the new roomies. How is this going to work and look, what kind of rental should be drawn up. Things like that. I seem to have forgotten to reschedule counseling. I’ve been out of work a month now. Brain weasels, to be sure, but they have a bite this evening.

I was missing the ex earlier, in a poignant October mood, and I had to spend some time chewing thru that. The feels persist

Tomorrow I’m doing a lot of driving. I’m going to see Lu and now doubt get a late lunch, then meeting Johnny somewhere at some time and taking him to the airport by 8pm. That has me landing home about 930. But I haven’t seen Lu since before Labor Day, and I feel called to be of service to my friend. I really wish I had felt able to go see the show this weekend.

Things, people, events are just falling off of me. And things are still moving, I’m settling in but I’m not settled yet.

I need to go to bed soon and do prayers with the Orisas before I leave tomorrow morning. Because I owe them offerings on a large scale I still need to get in there and say Hello. I’m letting the perfect negate the good, and that’s not what’s needed now.

I’m feeling a bit aimless. And it’s not serving me at all well. I’m pulling cards and taking in my astrology and trying to unbox or clear one thing per day—I’m excited to have a bookshelf!—and go thru my long and pressing list of todo’s.

Bed soon, obviously.

D is for Denver and Dutch Oven. The thick haze is smoke, and it’s turned the sunset and moonrise rather cinematic

The light on my wall at 6am, and moonrise just above the prairie, is pumpkin orange

It’s hot as ball with occasional downpours around dinner time. I really want to go downtown more often but the heat, parking, etc always makes me go Nah.

N is for Neighborhood. My pal K’s new condo is about 20 minutes across Colorado Springs from my house and the drive there is really nice, CS is really pretty and then K took me further west into Old Colorado City and into Manitou Springs and it’s so sooooo nice!! Weird western style motels, former Victorian brothels turned into ice cream shops and art galleries. It’s gorgeous. This is my new home. K is really skilled and finding the fun and locating silver linings, and it shows how much I have been focused on the work and not the joy. I’m so excited to move.

H is for Home. The Orisas have been installed. I have done Servicio for Elegua, and I can move stuff in!! I laid down a nice rug from the thrift in Monument in there. There are boxes in most rooms. I am watering my poor lil pitiful pumpkin plant, but alas I think the hot dry summer and me being there so infrequently, means no pumpkins. Next year though.

I was there offloading some boxes yesterday when I heard Kevin Gates getting blasted from…behind my house. The house right behind me has 2 dogs, black and white, and a redneck neighbor who made free to tell me how best to “keep your women in line”…respectfully of course. Yes he shared a few extremely inappropriate things, all in context of the “weird shit” that was happening with the former residents. It painted a picture of something like the Bagwan Sri Rashnish, weird religious cult / insurance fraud annd tax evasion scam.

I went to panthers gate on wed, got my pay for May. My fees are larger ever month. I got feedback about salesmanship in the store, which is the hardest part of this hustle for me.

I had offered to just a full moon hangout with the coven : I said nothing about circle or ritual. I told Barb weeks ago I didn’t want to move forward into another year with the coven, and certainly not before a conversayion about lousy communication and unspoken expectations among us. Without me hosting events are not being planned so this conversation has not happened

Wednesday afternoon around 3 pm B and K started making suggestions about what do for ritual. It was all over the place: first a good fortune thing, then k started saying she wanted to work confronting violence against ICE, it was very vague, about “justice or revolution or retribution.” I was on the highway at this time so couldn’t respond right away. Next she asked me a Palo / espiritists question that REALLY should have been on another channel. What she asked about was legit alarming to me because it shows such a lack of foundational information, I don’t know how I missed imparting it. But now our new coven pal M has stepped forward to say the obvious: the working sounds chaotic ( it does), it is not the energy first described ( it wasn’t) and that she and her son would stay home. Then K apologized to everyone on all platforms and declared she would stay home to not make anyone uncomfortable

Omg

So…I strode in and declared it was hang out only as the original invite said and no ceremony would happen, please bring snacks. And it was nice, if cloudy— we didn’t see the moon til it cleared the cloud banks and was fairly high.

The following day was counseling for me, then getting our surgery time and packing/provisioning surgery day, which included cst food, Cherise’s meds, gas the car etc. it was almost 8 pm when we headed up to FoCo.

I listened to Mt Shasta’s full moon ceremony in the car.

Didn’t see moon even we landed or when we headed out the morning. It’s hazy from the fires in Gunnison. It was hot today and I contemplated the lovely pool, but I have no bathing suit. Trying to buy a suit at the Target, when I went to get Tylenol for Lucie, proved daunting and by the time I went outside the temps had dropped ten degrees and black clouds were rolling in. It’s now pouring rain and thundering.

I love being back in Ft Collins, it’s such a beautiful town. It’s a mountain irony that we’re closer tomsctual
Mountains here but there less of a Mountain View. But if you keep driving west on the Main Street you will
End up in Rocky Mountain national forest.

But I’m anxious to get home.

Early bed now and early departure tomorrow. I have work at 430 and a client reading at noon. Lu is feeling in ok, had lunch and dinner and we are both grateful we didn’t try to drive home tonight, although I did plan to. This is safer for Lu and cherise assures me she is ok til tomorrow

I appear to have woken up with a cold. DayQuil on board

Still need to go get some groceries before work.

Have deprioritized laundry til tomorrow.

Fools errand to look for a cat posted that looked like Ivy: Lucie pointed out the white chin, black paws, no white tip to tail. Not Ivy

The cold has taken me from at peace about money in general ( although this next week is pretty tight) to fretting about all of it. I recognize the trap and am avoiding it

As someone who did vitamin k recreationally once—-once—and has done psychedelics many times: I can tell you that the South African was higher than giraffe’s nuts in the Oval. Look at that head movement—he’s rolling his fucking nads off, and I have no clue how this man is still standing. And likewise, having seen what a teensy too much k does to a human being…he shouldn’t anywhere near the levers of government or finance or even his own children. I know all of the current regime is alarming but this is like letting a hog loose at a tea party. ( I didn’t tell J my social security number or debit card password when he was on that binge for Reasons. Omg this coup is so stupid)

This is a ridiculous illness today. Between the pipe leak, the traffic to and from Larimer county, and now this, I feel like I’m struggling to keep up, and there’s so much I have to do

Fell out during shuffling: 3Wands, 9CupsReversed. The way having been cleared, I can see further, but actually feeling the joy is elusive. Yes

Bottom card is the shadow: the Devil. Fucking splendid. Not sure what this is about exactly, since I’m a hermit lately, and don’t take any psychedelics anymore

I am the Queen of Cups-who else?-in the role of Emperor—being my own Daddy— in a story about Lovers reversed- partnerships in upheaval and ending. So far so good

3cards about this summer: Knight Swords, Knight wands, 2 Wands. Oh it’s gonna be busy. Knights doing Knight stuff. But it’ll be m in charge in a way I don’t feel last summer. Last summer felt so chaotic and patched together, this will be controlled and I will feel more in control of external circumstances

3cards about Great place : high priestess, 3 cups, Strength. So I guess this the right anawer

Very pretty moon, I didn’t see her rising til she was a good way above the horizon, still ivory. I did not get up to see if I could see her setting. I do miss my house’s view.

But last night after work I did change into comfy pjs and did full moon ritual including journaling and cards and feeling quite lovely. I treated myself, for Mother’s Day, to a bottle of a palero’s Golden Radiance oil and I felt quite sparkly when I put it on and it smelled good too.

My altar is pretty, I played pretty music including Adorned by Moonlight. I lit pretty candles, work in the astral resisted me , so that was interesting. Cards had been pulled that morning but now I really got to go over them. I contemplated my need for furniture.

Next week I’m hosting another spiritual Misa, but then I’m taking June off. I made this statement without much thought on my part, it just popped out my mouth. I admit that since hosting these Misas, communication with my spirits, particularly my Mom, has gotten much clearer. I appreciate having the Team pop up to go over plans that trouble me, like summer plans: overnight in Bishops Castle withCherise after Kucue goes back to school because southern Colorado is hot as goat balls in June. Less crowded after Labor Day too. Take an overnight with Lu before Spain, just us two, destination DBA. She’s done with school now. Push brake job off til early June and pay off tuition. Much gratitude for 5weeks of paydays.

Much, much gratitude for my job but no fucking lie I’m tired. Lu was a good sport about me not going up to FtColiins t next week, but 2 more trips to ft Collins seems likely. She did really well this semester and I’m so happy she feels good about this semester despite a lot of ridiculous drama omg. She’s done with the semester as of yesterday and is now taking a day to flop about before the packing and cleaning. She wants to stay in ft Collins til the 28th, she likes to enjoy her town for a minute after the pressure’s off. Cherise comes home on June 7, airfare to Miami has not been purchased yet.

Except for the tuition balance and my therapist bill, bills for this month are paid. Sparkle points.

Today I dug into some boxes in the garage to get more plates and silverware….and I broke 2 plates in the process. Adapting to the radically decreased amount of stuff has been faster than I expected, and digging into the land of boxes in the garage has not been an easy thing to do, easier to leave all that packed and just make do or go without for now.

That being said, my therapist offered me a loveseat and will have her husband deliver it if I want, and I’m curious as to why I’m resisting saying yes. I went to a huge yard sale that included “ cone roam thru our house”. Everything was for sale, including nice furniture with a high price point. I took the one FREE thing and drive away.

This year Taurus’s I Have vibe is more cautious, but still present.

All things are good and improving by every objective and subjective measure: aside from wear and tear, most things are de-escalating, progressing organically, a lot of things I’ve been stressed over have worked or are working themselves out. Choosing NOT to devote mental energy in fruitless thoughts is the bliss-illiberal right now.

I’m melancholy the past few days: Mother’s Day feels a bit abstract. Girls are far away, I have work at 430. Ivy has still not posted. I’m doing a lot of gratitude practice, which does help but this week was a mixed bag:
-Lu needs eye surgery. I took her to her newish eye doctor, she’s been dealing with a retinal detachment for a few years now. It had stabilized but now things have shifted and he wants to fix it. This is going to be a chronic issue that Lucie must manage throughout her life. She is of course alarmed and scared, glad I was there to put her to bed, with a milkshake after this
-Dr G says to hold off til after the trip to Spain, but not much longer after that, he suggests beginning of July, 3 weeks to recover
-discussed it with my dad in the car on the way back home and he recommends a secong opinion and perhaps doing it at bascom Palmer in Miami
-speaking of Spain our cousins and their children are moving to Madrid. My dad and my sister have decided to apply for dusk citizenship and open an office if the company in Spain so they can work with China. He assures me he is not moving to Spain.

Off to work once I feed the cats. I’m really sleepy.