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rio_luna626: (Default)
woke up, feeling kinda headachy, and not sleeping well.

got to work on time-ish despite being late.

day was not bad at all

got nice texts from Amber who brought home flowers and made dinner, taco tuesday with help from the girls and it was all yay, her energy had shifted, and it suddenly felt liek the last day of winter when the spell is broken.

picked up jeremy this evening in a massive shuffle of driving hither and yon (nine mile station to the house, eat, therapy, nine mile to get him, dispensary, home, pick up girls home. we hng out for a while then i took a shower and now i am in bed. amber confided how nice it is to have boy pagan energy in the house. and there is a bit of festive mood in the house: sping euoinox, full moon, the weather is better, on sunday afternoon I noticed the hyacinths were beginning. it's happening

and walking around the corner and seeing him in the kitchen, i did a double take.

feeling desire for him, but going to bed alone

as i was getting into the shower, i noticed a text from patrick. i feel so horrible, becuase i asked if J and i could come vsiit and i neglected to type 'tomorrow night'. Patrick is a pretty laid back guy but he takes offense and if he feels stood up. and the texts reveal that i did leave off that VITAL PIECE OF INFO and i feel absolutely horrible
rio_luna626: (Default)
Is this not the most capricorn horoscope I've ever received?

If you grow vegetables, fruits, and grains on an acre of land, you can feed twelve people. If you use that acre to raise meat-producing animals, you'll feed at most four people. But to produce the meat, you'll need at least four times more water and twenty times more electric power than you would if you grew the plants. I offer this as a useful metaphor for you to consider in the coming months. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, you should prioritize efficiency and value. What will provide you with the most bang for your bucks? What's the wisest use of your resources?

boxing day

Wed, Dec. 26th, 2018 09:09 pm
rio_luna626: (Default)
woke up to very gray skies and lots of wind, very gloomy but kinda delicious

My brother's art show went very well.

sobriety reset means my energy levels are fluctuating hard, but are generally high. as usual, prolonged sobriety makes me feel like, why the hell do i get high anyway??

my sister returned to NY this afternoon, which means I got my old room back. delighted to be sleeping in a bed with a dozen pillows. very happy that we got thru this visit without feeling like she was hating on me, and no arguments or blow-ups.

is this a function of her meds being regulated, or that the waiting for biopsy results has mellowed her? not sure.

seeing my brother's art show inspires me to make more time for art. I have not made any art since i got here, but i did make a FB page for my recent work. which i find looks so timid and derivative next to his. but i did make the page.

glad i will be home in time for the New Year.

my dad said he had no idea what i really wanted for giftmas, so tomorrow he has offered to let me get some things on his amazon account. i am going to get Atreva watercolor pencils and some more white pants.

the cl;othes i bought for itaworaje--many are stained or falling apart. the simplicity of so few things has been awesome, but i need a few new things. plus, none of my clothes are built for winter in colorado.

i did buy a really nice white (winter white, anyway) wool jacket with an attached faux rabbit scarf. it looks very elegant. i also found, yesterday at the CVS, white bedroom slippers. i rely on my slippers because denver winters are fucking cold and long, so i am delighted to have found these.

finances are still worrying--45's bullshit, the credit card balances etc etc--but i woke up thinking: i could apply at Sprouts market parttime (has benefit of a discount) or some temp agencies, would keep me occupied for a while, bring in some money and allow me time to scope what else i want to do. and it's not so consuming that it would preclude my next trip to DC. I want to go back to work, maybe part time, I want better health insurance, but i also need a certain amount of flex.

i am happy that Amber is happy, being back with B, but seriously, the entire entangled mess is tedious. this is the only thing she talks about: his rudeness, his selfishness, his stupid conspiracy theories and his really shabby treatment of her, his abusive parents--and then how happy she is to be back with him. she complains about how he treats her then he comes over and she is just as happy as a mental patient to be playing house with him. i woudl say she has talked about that twice as much as i have ever talked about aaron. it's so freaking boring. yes i know i sound bitter, but it;s true.

having a good time, very low key. i get to have lunch with rubibees and greenwapiti on friday, and a friend of theirs who is a Santero. but also really looking forward to getting home and having a week to clear out clutter, and start the new year with the hosue better organized. i cling to too much stuff, but cleaning up the breakfast nook has opened up some possibilities.

still not feeling very much like my best self. but not like my worst self either.
rio_luna626: (Default)
Jackson Pollock is regarded as a pioneer in the technique of drip painting, which involves drizzling and splashing paint on canvases that lie on the floor. It made him famous. But the truth is, Pollock got inspired to pursue what became known as his signature style only after he saw an exhibit by the artist Janet Sobel, who was the real pioneer. I bring this to your attention, because I see 2019 as a year when the Janet Sobel-like aspects of your life will get their due. Overdue appreciation will arrive. Credit you have deserved but haven't fully garnered will finally come your way. You'll be acknowledged and recognized in surprising ways.
rio_luna626: (Default)
This week’s astrology is making it crystal clear that you need some new goals, priorities and ambitions. Wednesday’s Full Moon conjunct awakener Uranus will bring people or situations into your life who challenge or even violate your deepest values, revealing your principles in stark black and white. Instead of blaming them, take a step back and look at the gap between what you say and what you do. If you’re not living your day to day life around what you value the most, then you’re not being congruent. Think about it.

Walking your talk.

Ouch.

New Mexico

Thu, Jun. 21st, 2018 09:11 am
rio_luna626: (summer fox kit)
my to do lists are three items: get groceries, nap before class, class

exploring a lot.

still need to hydrate more. the struggle is constant. i may need to buy another gatorade.

everything is so good. the quiet is unnerving. i am very happy.
rio_luna626: (Default)
There are three kinds of habits: good, bad, and neutral. Neutral habits are neither good nor bad but use up psychic energy that might be better directed into cultivating good habits. Here are some examples: a good habit is when you're disciplined about eating healthy food; a bad habit is watching violent TV shows before going to bed, thereby disturbing your sleep; a neutral habit might be doing Sudoku puzzles. My challenge to you, Cancerian, is to dissolve one bad habit and one neutral habit by replacing them with two new good habits. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, cosmic forces will be on your side as you make this effort.
rio_luna626: (halloween kitten)
I got home last nioght and went to bed a bit late. I took lu to counseling early in the morning, i had gotten right on the chores and was moving quickly thru the to-do's. Cherise had goen to spend the nite with her friend Victoria and at 4am had started throwingup. so, joy. i brought ehr home, and she ran a fever and slept all day.

It was yet another bright sunny warm day, mid to upper 70s, bright sunshine, totally too warm for samhain. i was in tank top all day.

i did chores around the house all morning, then went over to MIchael's to get gem-glue and E6000 and a couple other things for costuming.i ahve been feeling an itch to get creative, but it's so hard to bring the matreils, the space, and the time together. tonite, i cleared out the kids' breakfast nookl and brought supplies out and started bedazzling a pair of underpants (not so easy, as it turns out)

I went to burleque class in the aftrenoon--we are closing in on our recital date--and then i got soem food at Taco do mexico. back home, cherise was still asleep and looking miserable, she and hr dad were curled up toegther most fo the day.'

Halloween saturday is full of things to do, there wre several burlesque tonites all obrt town. The witches ball was tonite, and Dia de los Muertos over at the Pirate gallery. i wasa really looking forward to Dia de los, but in the end it felt better to stay home and tend to stuff. pulling out the art supplies, packig for tomorrow's rtual. SO i am disappointed about missing Dia AGAIN, but i think this was the best answer. and i get to go to bhed in a minute.

nice weekend so far. i cant get to everything, but i'm thinking the most important things happen, and i'm content.
rio_luna626: (halloween kitten)
wonderful things are happening:
-lots of goals and intentions i set this year, and for many years running, are FINALLY coming to fruition this year, and some of them are arriving in the last few months of 2016. i am really proud i managed to accomplish these things
-Operation Bianca Jaguar --well, looks like i will be finally performing burlesque, i have 2 hard target in two dates i have committed to performing: my queen class recital and DD Honeybee's Fresh Blood show. i am getting juiced in enough, i should be able to start apply for gigs and kittening SOON
-i have 3 poems in an anthology coming out from Neos ALexandria. getting my poetry published was something i thought might never happen again. i was a dedicated poet decades ago, and i was submitting to lots of lit magazines while working on 2 volumes of poetry. this makes me happy. two of the poems are from that time, revised a bit, and one is brand new
-because i am writing! yea!
-i finished the second mss i was editing for Immanion/megalithica. i had 2 books i was working on, and managed to send them both back to the authors to tidy up some things. I had promised to get these both to Taylor before mid nov, and i met my deadline with room to spare.
-which means i can return, with diligence, back to the Book. Since new moon and samhain are right on top of each other, it seems perfect timing
-also, we're heading into the Descent. the weathr is quite warm and nice, it doesnt feel very samhainish, but i sense that next week, the weather will change, daylight savings will start, which always disorients me. I can feel the darkness kind of waiting for me, and in the quiet stillness and repose of those first weeks of novemeber, i can get back on track and back in practice with the book.
-i am dismayed that i'm sitting so much in the evening, i have not rehearsed in so long, i feel so much resistance, and wow that is not the time for this.
-i have tomorrow off work and omg i am sooo happy about this. Cjherise is going to Adventures, so i will have many hours of (almost) solitude. of course i have a bunch of errands etc to, it is goignt o be a busy weekend, but everything tomorrow is fun and juicy, and i am really looking forward to the next few days.
rio_luna626: (halloween kitten)
It is not easy to get a state approaching done in anything with the house. Time between one time critical thing and another grows shorter, and things start piling on top of each other. My current mantra is "does this deserve a spoon?" as a way of determining where to put my energy. My intuition is really strong right, usually signaling thru body sensation what's up and what's true. At the new moon I really asked for my receiving to tune up and bring more in, i can better filter out static. Similar themes and sayings keep popping up.

I am really grateful that there is a lot of ease and gentleness with things, things are in flow. But last week, when NO ONE showed up to Samhain planning, I was annoyed and began to wonder: is this a place where i need to put a spoon? Well i want the meetup and I want to celebrate Samhain, so after fuming for a few hours etc, I took Emily's advice and just planned the event for Sunday Oct 30, in the park we did Samhain last year. I am planning the ritual myself, and asking folks who want ritual roles to come earlier. I wrote this up to be convenient to me and what I want to do, and lo, several people have rsvp'd. Good practice in being flexible and accommodating the group's needs/behavior while staying true to what i want. The meetup is picking up momentum, there is no reason for me to stress over this. I then remembered that when Amanda and Steven had planning meetings, the only person who showed up was me.

So I found a level of engagement that feels good and appropriate, and not resentful. But i was seriously wondering whether Between the Veils was worth a spoon. I was also tweaked last week when i discovered that Meetup dues, 15 bucks per month, which i thought would be a monthly automatic payment, was actually a lump sum of 89 bucks which my credit card could ill afford. I've recouped about 20 bucks of that from the event donations, but it was BAD timing.

Burlesque is taking up some spoons, and making me worry because i have not rehearsed in weeks, because my evenings are rapidly becoming very passive and sedentary, even when i don't want them to. But i get spoons back and unlike paganism, people show up for it, present and ready to go. Forgive me if I'm down on the communite, but y'all know exactly what i mean. Burlesque OTOH is not like this, so yes it is a PUSH to get to Burlesque Basics on Friday nites, it is a PUSH to get to weekend workshops and shell out more money, not to mention costume, props, makeup, and i have not even started traveling but...

My intention was "get on stage in 2016". I worked on this all summer, and yes i got derailed. In time for Bon Vivant to open and me to get to class and workshop. laura, the director, also produces Saucy Burlesque, and on Friday she asked if i would like to be part of her Fresh Blood show in December. So now I have an actual HARD TARGET to aim at. And suddenly, the swampy, foggy "i don't know the next step" started to evaporate. Just in tiem for Vivienne to start another Starlet/Queen class series. I signed up for Queen (the advanced intensive where you develop a solo routine, and perform it at one of her many shows) last June, then again in August, only to have them be cancelled for lack of enrollment. Just as I am watching my credit card balances pile up, she has another one, for more than i can afford. But I'm doing it, because I just have to go the distance, I feel really compelled to finally scratch this itch. TWO performance in 2016, will have itch thoroughly scratched, and then I can say i did it, and can better judge if this is something i want to continue to invest in (i think it might be, but I'm withholding judgement til AFTER my ass is revealed to half of Denver).

Because I cannot put another chrge on my cards, I asked Vivienne to take cash the day of the show. Stings a bit but at least it's not another charge on the card.

my cards are full of ridiculous charges, WAY too many restaurants. Now i do pay for Lu;s counseling on the card, and also Cherise's afterschool care which is expensive, but happily, I have not had to send her this year. This may change soon, woith the arrival of cold weather. But there are also car repairs, hundreds of bucks, and my air fare to San Jose, and lots of treats and things i did for myself, since i was ut of cash, and the checking account was low, and I am kida sticker shocked at how fast and how high the debt is now. and how quickly i need to scramble to pay it off.

I am glad, therefore, that i was able to buy gas with cash. That i skipped the farmer's market on sunday, that i am glad there is no dance class this Friday. that at Between the Veils, there will be some cash for me to help cover the credit card bill. That there is enough food in the fridge, that i can put dinner together with ease. But i am dismayed about being so in debt, and how tight it feels. I remember not that long ago, my credit card debt was NOTHING, and how easy that felt. it's really on my heart today, so I am doing a lot of brahmari to ease the tension.
rio_luna626: (cherry tree)
So yes, i found it a bit odd that i was fairly determined in my mind to fuck this man i really don't know too well, but determined i was to at least some smooching in. And i was pretty much not ashamed at all, exzcept i was woried i was being awkward and ineept about it.

Because i kept running into him, becaise there kept being vibes. Because it's been a while since i felt that kind of Pagan wood-lust. because for whatever reason i felt safe with this man. And i kept running into him--at the maypole, on the trail. Saturday afternoon, Chjerise went off to play and i took a moment to lie down, get some shut eye before Gavin Bon's class. and i'm lying in bed, really wanting to masturbate and fantasize about this man, i fight this urge for some time and finally get up and put my clothes and get ready to do something edifying. and there he is walking ebhind my damn cabin. this is getting just silly.

my class with Gavin Bone is amazing. ayt one point he asks for someone to be his Lovely Assitant in doing the chalice and i was called up to assist. He knelt at my feet and handed me the athame. damn, he is fine. then in the evening, I attaned Gavin and Janet ferrar's prophecy ritual, and i was called to help the priestess channelling hecate. again, damn.

after all this, and putting cherise to bed, i went looking for him. at the maypole he had invited me to hang out that nite. "Now you dont need to run off tonite, you need to hang out." And when i foudn them again,late at the drumming, I was invited back to their tent, i got entheogenic and we were off to the races.

the moly had a crown stamped on it, and i was unsure about taking it but the crown was a clue that this was a Sovereignty thing going on. The onset was FAST and i reallky shoul have grounded better before takeoff, because i spilled my guts. i cried a little, i talk til i went non-verbal, i felt the grief of the deaths and the loneliness of being married to aaron, and on it went. I recited the Hymn to Pan, we got naked, more women showd up, we blessed the fields and it was crazy.

when i finally got back into my bed, at 6am, i was blissed out. no i didnt fuck that much, and the trip had shown me several places where my Sovereignty failed. but i felt so at peace and loved and happy. such a marvelous gift, so much affirmation.

now in the week since this event, i've had highs and lows, i've considered what it means. i came back vibrating and still high off the Pan energy. Monday night late, i stood naked on the balcony and had a psychic yelling match. I've sifted thru so much intel and i have some truths:

-the sex was a catalyst. it might be nothign more. but it's about the liberation of the human spirit wich has not been my experience in soo long.
-I'm poly. i tried to repress this shit for so long but i am poly. saying this settles into me and feels true
-there is a wave of magick flwoing thru my life. in typical fashion it iognited via earth magick at beltane and i beleive it will follow the cycle. In any case, i want to be part of this ashe for as a logn as it flows
-this wave that lifted myself, J&A seems to so synchronous, there are deep conisidence and synchronicity here. also, a very sudden care and affection, beyond the sexual. there seems to be a reason why we are suddenly thrown together. This, and othr contacts at Beltania, i feel like i have found part of my Colo tribe.
-this ashe is real and it is touching my life. My writing is taking off. last thrusday i wrote for 3 hours. my intention to write more & more better, is comign true. My roses are blooming ffo r the first time in years. THis means all the Litha magick i have not been able to do, know I can. My apple trees are coming in. i see this as an emanation of this ashe
-there appears to be work i need to do here, and play as well, and wonder of wodners, my kids are about to leave for 6 weeks so hallelujah.
-i was out very late saturday nite (i gothome arund 4:30am) and aaron laughed because it is so unlike me. I told him that i'm feeling waves of new energy and while they last i want to go with it, including the taking rolls and hanging out all night. so despite thinking he was goign to be very against it, he's fine with me taking this time to revel in the ecstatic.
-i'm not sure i want to have sex with J & A again, but i feel so free to make that choice, and i also feel more satisfied NOT to. it all feels like my choice again and i am so grateful

As a reward for all this work, a huge chunk of rape trauma understanding was dropped on me, and i integrated it. it stung but it has no power ovr me now.

recent clues

Mon, May. 9th, 2016 10:02 pm
rio_luna626: (cherry tree)
i have been feeling really churny lately, lots of thoughts, everythig feels chaotic and overwhelming. it feels so hard getting to stuff, and things do not fall into fractals, but are like a tangle of spaghetti. i cant find the beginning of strands, every problem has its root in another problem. it gets overhwleming.

sunday was hard, i dont know why i was in such a foul mood, but it was very hard to shift, the whole day i just felt kinda lousy and low energy. more on this.

-ever since the sun moved into taurus, i've ben thinking about Hathor. i went to Google images, and her images were so pretty, I got very inspired. i called her in at my combination Beltaine/ new moon rite.
-all of a sudden egypt is on my mind, right now i'm watching a documentary on the pyramids and egyptian cosmology (yeah i know, but the actual researchers are a lot more interesting than the voice over)
- more rabbits
-lots of sweet hepful synchronicities
-the earth energy rising being floral

also, lots of birds, and a snake in my periwinkle bed
rio_luna626: (river fog)
"I sit before flowers, hoping they will train me in the art of opening up," says poet Shane Koyczan. "I stand on mountain tops believing that avalanches will teach me to let go." I recommend his strategy to you in the coming weeks, Cancerian. Put yourself in the presence of natural forces that will inspire you to do what you need to do. Seek the companionship of people and animals whose wisdom and style you want to absorb. Be sufficiently humble to learn from the whole wide world through the art of imitation.
rio_luna626: (winter river)
"A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking," said journalist Earl Wilson. Do you fit that description, Cancerian? Probably. I suspect it's high time to find a polite way to flee your responsibilities, avoid your duties, and hide from your burdens. For the foreseeable future, you have a mandate to ignore what fills you with boredom. You have the right to avoid any involvement that makes life too complicated. And you have a holy obligation to rethink your relationship with any influence that weighs you down with menial obligations.
rio_luna626: (winter river)
we'rer having a little warm snap, they say it'll hit 60 on Friday, which means right after that, we get plunged back into the deep freeze and have some frozen precip on the way. I'm no fan of the frozewn bag of suck that is winter once the holidays are over, but I do think having a real winter with actual cold weather is necessary, even if I am just over it. Because my car is still in the shop, and my loaner doesn't fit in the garage, the car is freezing when I get in, and I have to climb over the snowy lawn or an icy driveway first. I hope lots of melting occurs over the next few days.

I hope the humidity of the El Nino year persists, along with cooler temps in summer. we had no forest fires in state last year, which is always a minor miracle.

I am making plans about the yard & garden (yarden) and have ideas about what to plant. it feels too early to get out there, but I also know, suddenly it will be too late. I'm trying to keep an eye on things and hit things before it's too late. I brought in all my herbs in thr fall, and they are all thriving in the living room (except for the parsley). I'll put those back out, and plant zucchini again, and plant the pumpkin in the rose bed. Not sure what to do with the back bed--it doesn't get as much sun as I thought, but still gets plenty, so I'm contemplating what should go there: pole beans? bush beans? peas? I'm definitely growing more pot, which was one of the few things I grew well. I love this time of the year, when it's still winter but we're making plans about for the spring and summer. Soon, seed catalogs are going to start turning up at the house.

The day planner pic this week is enormous saguaro cactuses against an intensely blue sky. I'm feeling a harder line of focus, and I'm trying to stay focused on what I have to do, and not get distracted.

descending

Tue, Dec. 1st, 2015 07:22 pm
rio_luna626: (winter river)
altho the point of Rally is not massive productivity, lots of people report just that while there and soon after. It's the break from their routine, the support, the lack of distractions. even with the modifications i had to make to the plan (because i cannot allow Cherise's sovereignty to include going outside in 25 degrees in sandals, or coloring over my good tablecloth), my mini Rally was amazing, and i got a blog post published, i made some progress on the book i'm editing, and i made art. I journaled 10 pages or more, and reread some opld journals and found treasure in them. treasure all around.

part of Rally is the Shiva Nata, and i made Flailing part of our balanced breakfast every day. I went back to the video, and discovered chunks of first level stuff i had skipped over. I gained new insight into a sequence i thought i has down, all kinds of new stuff. when i Compassed in the morning, I did the basic 8 hand movements, one position for each point of the compass. I did them consecutively one day and did quarters/cross-quarters the following day, kept messing up (which is the point). then i would do a small portion of the video later, and of course shivasana every time. that was very good, still getting intel and processing this out.

i feel a much deeper calm and grounding, but i really was off my game and ungrounded today,a dn that was kinda sucky. the spoons run out so fast. while i am taking the space i need, there is no one keeping shit straight while i'm out. i really wanted to see A on saturday, but aaron with his flu, lu with her dad, cherise being bored, how could i leave? how could that not have been a disaster?

despite the fact that we are now in sagitarrius and feeling morre optimistic, and the joyful season of Advent is upon us, i like steering towards more-rest, less-doing for as logn as possible. at the same time, i have a bunch of porjects and work to do, just all of it at home. it feels pretty insistent that i just drop and descend. to that end i'm going to get a shower.

gratitude

Sun, Nov. 29th, 2015 03:51 pm
rio_luna626: (winter river)
i have made Gratitude a practice all month, and it has been very instructive and felt pretty lovely. it was present and helped carry me thru some rough moments.

i pushed on wed to have everything on board so i would not need to leave the house on thur, fri and sunday. and it came true (i had to run out for a moment this afternoon, but it was quick).

i worked thru Havi's materials, often with Cherise, and it was super fun. i find i cant proocess all that happened--i've been journalling it out longhand, and wow synchronous treasure everywhere.

it's been so cold. it snowed a bit on thursday and yesterday, and today, not more than a dusting, but it's cold and gloomy, prfect for staying home. SO many thanks to past me who made sure this time was as protected as possible.

i got a facial recently. omg i got a nice facial. my esthetician had a sale, and i jumoped on it, i had wanted to make this an every-6-weeks thing, and it's been 5 months. so there you go. she also had a sale on products and i bought my fave cleanser and moisturizer. the facial--omg, hot towels soaked in lemon, then rosemary, then menthol, scrubby parts and hot parts and cool parts, and omg i glowed when i left. then i got a lil hummus plate over at my new fave mediterranean place, and i felt so cared for.

finally, after lots of systematic unplugging and descending, we hit the deep level well-tending i deeply need. and all it took was 5 days off, expensive food and luxurious bodywork. So that's great intel, and a good template for More Please.

Aaron's stomach flu yesterday cleared up, but overnite the kidney stones started up. there is no end with this guy's manifold dysfunctions. this means that around 2am, after i had about 3 hours of sleep, he woke up in severe distress. i did my best to help, and finally at 4am, he was comfy-ish on the couch, and i got about 3.5 before waking up. he slept on til 11ish, and has been tender all day.

i am still in Rally (being online is technically NOT Rally-approved, but i feel like chekcing) and it's been a lot of fun. the cold weather and being 'snowed in' have been perfect. lots of magick here this weekend. it's required that i consciously disconnect from chores, but i have also been pretty fluid about doing some maintenance tasks. seriouslym this whole thing has been very instructive.

one thing i have discovered is, the full moon's qualities of revelry, i lived them, rather than doing the ritual. More and more i'm finding the lunar work is what happens on the moon itself, not necessarily what happens in ritual. this full moon was a dead show, a feast, and a three day art/Shiva NAta retreat. lots to love. and it's all been so low key and doable. very happy about this.
rio_luna626: (halloween kitten)
November! Usually just an extension of the 6 weeks of Samhain, this year the Descent was very quiet and took forever. There was a piece about getting that final harvest in and comparing it to the seeds planted. I know my Book has not ripened as I hoped. other stuff along those lines, but mostly Samhain was very quiet and sorrowful, and I had plenty of scary.

I was very proud that I managed to do all my Dark Goddess Fest stuff perfectly well (despite being sure I was fucking it up. my colleagues and the founder were all WOW, we're in the Westword! That's a first! ) and got lots of strokes from Amber Z the director ("Whatcha mean this is the first time? I thought you were a marketing professional. You seemed so confident and calm. And now I am even mnore impressed that you were dealing with cancer-nonsense!") Props for me! I wanted to stretch a bit, do something I had not done before that I wanted to be able to do as pagan service, and I hit it and did a really good job. I have more thoughts about next year.

November's Tarot card - Balance (Justice) reversed. I am having trouble finding balance, I feel like butter spread over too much bread. this month has been about retruning me to balance and so far it has worked.

Havi's calendar says: Glow More! I do not dim my spark for anyone. I have named Nov the Moon of Stillness and Gentle Motion, and it has been so far, and I am very happy.

my kitchen calendar has a girl asleep in a cave below pine trees. "How long since you slept in the Tree of Awe?" it's very woodsy and mysterious, but restful.

Seriously, so much treasure from being still and relaxing, it really is the right answer.

Day planner pix have been so accurate:
Week before Samhain: a river with pines and red maples. I had a lot of ochun magick that week, and it was a week of feeling in the flow and deeply feeling the shift into autumn despite the warm temps.
Samhain week: Aurora Borealis! Green and purple swirls with dark pines in front. Mysterious, spooky, trippy.
Nov 1 - autumn leaves frosted. the weather got cold, the Samhainy vibe continued as I finished up Samhain events and DGF. I also began to really feel the need to slow the hell down and rest.
Nov's second week - full moon at daybreak in Hawaii. a beautiful pearly moon sinking into pink and lavender clouds. this week I really started to shut things down and take time to rest
Last week - tall rugged cliffs dusted in snow. there's an interplay of the lightness of the snow with the strength of the mountains. Looking at my calendar, it was a week where nothing was scheduled, but I did everything that needed to be done. I feel like this refers to coming back to a place of strong foundation, regardless of what gets put on top of me. I am proud that my carrying ability seems to have gone up a lot.
this week - green winged teal. a beautiful little duck in the water. This week I began to see the lines of Canada geese flying around town. it reminds me of cyclicity, and that we are moving into the winter soon. I really noticed the shorter days this week, the bare trees (many of them are taking their time, but most trees are approaching bare).

Virgo

Tue, Aug. 25th, 2015 04:16 pm
rio_luna626: (Ochun!)
I'm always relieved when we finally transit into Virgo. Leo's intensity and extroversion can be hard to take, and by the time we start wrapping it up, all the possibilities and all the self-expression and all the everything, just begins to feel chaotic.

Virgo tones stuff down. Virgo brings the beginning of school which always, ironically, once all the back to school commotion settles down, I find grounding and calming. Virgo is a mutable sign, so it's time for analysis and evaluation, but as an earth sign, what's being evaluated is health, wealth and the state of the harvest.

During Leo I was in deep conversation about desire, I was very clear about what I want. These are still usually things: clothes or jewelry or books or the latest package I bought at Black Phoenix. I wanted to write AND do burlesque AND go to work out AND garden AND go to the pool AND lay around AND AND AND. And it was jarring every time limitations popped up: I cannot do both of these things, I must choose. If I go to the pool, I cannot write or do housework, so the work will not be done. back and forth all the time. This could be frustrating but it was also necessary as I learned to tune into True Yes. I make a lot of compromises and accomodations in my life, and I often (feel I) need to let go of what I want, in order to keep the ship floating. During Leo I get really clear about what I want, I really see that True Yes, and limitations and obstacles frustrate the hell out of me.

In Virgo, I feel better equipped to judge, I want this more than that, if I choose X then Y will happen. It feels more grounded and precise, I feel more in control than being controlled, which always is nice.

Since the Sun went into Virgo:
-I cleaned out a bunch of junk out of my wallet and briefcase--not all of it, but lots of unneeded things left
-the massive amount of clothes everywhere (the girls' boxes from Miami, the 3 bags that Cherise was just given by V's mom and M's aunt) being put away, or culled. lots of stuff going to consignment, Goodwill and friends. Presence of new sturdy boxes means I was able to encourage FIL to repack some of the massive amounts of crap he has stored in the garage, much of it in dirty, crumbling boxes.
- I painted! It was an hour, and I didn't get too far, but I did it
- I worked on the review pile (only 4 books but to me it felt like a soul crushing pile)
-decided I really need to stop taking on book reviews
-found a new ritual group, women's spirituality group and a Tarot class, all run by this very cool artist named Amanda. I really like her
-was disappointed when Goddess Grove (my women's spirituality group) canceled fore the month, but it allows me to attend the above this month
-and then our facilitator set a date for the monthly writers group, which I'm going to start going to
-and suddenly there is plenty of community and things to do!
-with all the local pagan stuff (Druids etc) and my own altar sisters, A & A
-the workout is becoming integrated into the weekly routine
-we are eating better more often. not every day, but steadily
-I was frettin about the money and the credit cards etc etc, esp since Thorn's class, Crafting Spiritual Evolution, starts soon and I could not decide how to pay. Email today opened up an option I had not considered, which will NOT add to credit card balance, an evil to be avoided at all costs, at least until the cards are paid off. This is very good news
-everything feels a little bit better organized now
rio_luna626: (wheat field & storm)
I for got to add PaganiCon to the list, this is a hotel con sponsored by Llewellyn Books over Ostara weekend. I was looking at the website and thinking about going there instead.

Because there is some weirdness happening wrt P'con and the hotels. There are 3 shots to get into the hotel itself, a lottery system with no guarantee. The Airport Garden is BOOKED solid for the weekend, the Courtyard down the street is charging 140 a night, and 260 on 2/14. The Doubletree normally charges 99, the Airport Garden 90, con rates. So this is, I dunno, obnoxious as hell.

I'm also stewing in comparison, and feeling daunted and stuck about: my magickal skills, my priestess skills, my workshop skills, etc. Also, rubibees prob won't make it. Also, RowanF might not make it.

Should I go and not present? Maybe just make myself very useful in the Umbanda Suite? Be present for Immanion events and try to help with those? Do I dare to hope that last year's awful re-entry won't repeat itself?

And then I thought: I could go to COnVocation instead. No, Detroit in Feb is NOT charming, but...a new venue, more chances of my workshops getting picked up, I could work on Black Madonna. I could do the Golden pentacle, that would be an awesome new venue to present that. Plus, at ConVo, Kenn Day is a presenter and it would be great to re-connect with him, see some Sheya magick and learn more about Urban Shamanism (my new interest).

Likewise, Paganicon. Lots of the same folks (Thorn, Taylor, Orion) go to present there. Again, a a new venue, a new place to do the Black Madonna or Intro to ADR or the Golden pentacle.

Despite issues with weather, for whatever reason ConVo and Paganicon feel juicier to me right now, and I wonder if it's because I'm feeling slightly less competent every time I compare myself to Yeshe Rabbit. which I shouldn't do, but when I'm in my stuck it's hard not to. The same confidence I feel about presenting here in town or at Beltania, just evaporates. Pantheacon really is the Carnegie Hall of pagan evnts and the only way to get there is Practice.

I did cme out of the weekend with one new determined thought: I feel ready to present at living earth about ADR now. They invite foldk from various traditions to talk (this is how K got in to talk about Feri, and also the way by which she stepped on enough toes to be dis-invited).

I hate missing Pcon. I want to go, I want to go to all these things.